Your Excellency, Allah shi ja zamani nka! Greetings in the new and potentially eventful year to you, mummy Aisha and the children. May Allah strengthen your hand in the task ahead of you and our people. Your Excellency, finally, we have had enough of the ingratitude of Nigerians and the sick and disrespectful comments they have been making about your governance style and output since we removed that Ijaw man from Aso Rock.

The people of the South, (mutanen kudu) have always claimed that they are the ones endowed with wisdom just because of their book, (makarantan boko) and therefore know everything more than us. Nothing can be further from the truth. While we do not wish to stop them from going to their useless schools, (ina ruwan mu ) we must insist that they also do not hinder us from ruling over them and having unfettered access to their resources and their waters. The prophecy must be fulfilled and there is no better time than now.

Mr President, permit me to forward to your good self these modest proposals which are intended to finally bring peace and harmony amongst the disparate peoples of this great country and also put every group or tribe in their proper place. You will recall, Mr President, that I have always mentioned to you what Shakespear once wrote that there is a tide in the affairs of men which if taken timeously leads unto fortune, but if delayed leaves the voyage of life permanently adrift at sea.
We have to do what we have to do, and quickly too. 

1. Is it not a shame that the Tiv people (munchi fa!), Idomas and Igedes as insignificant as they are, occupy all that expanse of arable lands throughout the Benue trough and even have the temerity to call it their ancestral lands, as if they have ancestors. This prime land with lush grass and foliage is being wasted on the cultivation of yams, oranges, potatoes, (da sauran su) when our cattle are roaming the north on sun - baked sand with no foliage to feed on or water to drink? Mr President, I propose that we gradually drive these unbelievers downwards to Obudu, Ogoja, or to Enugu areas and take over the Benue trough and adjoining wetlands for our cattle. Look at it, Mr President, who will ask us? We have the army, the police, the air force, the SSS, etc. That Cross River boy in the Navy does not speak Hausa, when we come to that subject, we speak Hausa or Fufulde, kawai! What can he do? You know these people are satisfied with little. You just approve some of his memos, that is all. He will be happy. We can find a piece of land in Daura or Agades for papa Audu Ogbe to move to ( ai kwanan shi ya kusan kare). As for Senator Akume, he already has a good house in Abuja with young, young women at his beck and call, (ba magana).

2. We all must agree that the Ibos (Nyamirai) are becoming a problem. Even after the pogrom and after all of them  where reduced to 20 pounds by the ingenuity of papa Obafemi Awolowo (Allah shi ji kansa) the Ibos, sadly , are back. Just go to Enugu road in Sabongari, Kano, on Sunday evening! Lai la! They are as many as house flies in Maiduguri in the month of March, or sand in Birnin Kebbi ( garin yashi). They have taken over trading, imports and exports , they are everywhere. If you must change the smallest part in your car, you must buy from them. Can you believe that I went to Tungar Buzu, Ibo man was there selling his provisions, even in Dirindaji, they are there selling alcohol. They build homes and shopping malls wherever they settle. They drive expensive cars and wear gold chains on Sundays. Very noisy people.  Mr President, these Ibos  have become so bold that they even want to be president in 2023,(nji Rochas Okorocha). Nyamiri! My proposal is that you direct General Buratai to move his headquarters to Enugu, or Umuahia or even Onitsha to deal with them once and for all, including their women and children. Don't listen to Amnesty International, or UNICEF (da sauran su). They don't support our agenda so we ignore or send them out of the country. Even if some of them are Nigerians they should follow Oyibo  (bature) and go. Also, Col Amid Ali should reduce the import licences he is giving to them. Even the Central Bank Governor should step in, just that (shi ma nyamirai ne).

3. Mr President, the Yorubas are our allies ( berebe su na tsoro), they fear a lot. Even when they shout big turenchi on television, it is just barazana. They cannot do much. We have taken over NPA, NIMASA, Customs, Immigration and the allied jobs of clearing and forwarding. Ah! I was in Lagos, kwanaki, our trailers and our boys have also taken over their overhead bridges. My modest proposal is that you speak with Tinubu about the small matter of who should be Governor of Lagos state. Nasir  El Rufai will do very well there. Just call Tinubu National Leader of APC or Jagaban, he will be happy and will not argue much. Have you not already tried for him? All those percentages coming  from Federal Inland Revenue Service to his company. El Rufa is the man to handle Lagos for us. Tinubu cannot say no to you, Mr President. After all (shi ma) is from Osun state. Being a glory gazer and overly overawed by his own self importance, Tinubu can accept credit for sunrise and should after a while even take ownership of the candidacy of El Rufai as Governor of Lagos state and argue that it was his very idea.

4. Mr President, how did it come to pass, that under our very charge, a very critical institution such as the Judiciary, is not being headed by one of us. This is a dangerous slip. We must do something. A stitch in time saves nine. Let the cabal take a critical look at this faux pas and come up with a strategy to correct the anomaly. This must be done before the elections, if we must sustain our grip on the vice lever of state. For if we allow this situation to subsist, it may well become our Archilles heel in the run up to, and immediately after the general elections, which we must win by hook or crook. Note what I have always told you, that all is fair in war. We are in a war and this, you must know and understand. 

Let me rest my case here, for now, Mr President, as I look forward to your kind consideration of my humble proposals for the reconstruction of this land which our fore - fathers conquered and bequeathed to us.

I remain your humble servant and brother.
Dominic Kidzu.

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Hi, I,m Pospi Otuson. A Nigerian Blogger, Social Entrepreneur and Convener of the renowned Boki Business Conference. CEO/Founder of Possibility Desk, the largest online consulting platform for possibilities in the world. Lets connect today.

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